


Don't let me drown

by Rammnova



Category: Emigrate (Band), Rammstein
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:50:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rammnova/pseuds/Rammnova
Summary: This is gonna seem pretty weird but this was something I needed to write just so my own head would not explode.





	Don't let me drown

**Author's Note:**

> This is a conversation between me and Richard. (1.8.2017)

Here I am again. Whenever my parents aren't home, I come up here on our roof to smoke. It's my favorite spot for smoking. Maybe it's my favorite spot for doing everything. It's not very special or even pretty, it's just a normal dirty roof with a view of our neighborhood and the mountains that cover around my city. The sky is beautiful here, especially in the afternoon. It became my favorite spot when I found out that I'm not really a people person, that there's really no one in particular that I'd enjoy sitting with. My whole life was spent in search of a best friend to share my moments with. It took me 24 years to realize that my best friend is me. I'm not saying that in a sense of depression or things like that. I'm a completely happy person but I just seem to not have the ability to be close and let loose around other people. When I found out that I could leave this place forever, this fuckin hell, I was really happy that I could finally cut everyone loose. I've already destroyed all the bridges. I need to start over. As a new person who has a new life.  
Anyways I'm sitting here again, on this roof, sharing a smoke with one my favorite people in the world. My favorite musician. He always comes here with me. He always tells me all this wonderful stuff that I never even knew about myself. Sometimes I needed to hear his voice so much that I'd actually left the classroom, went to my university yard and listened to 'Born on my own'. He teaches me a great deal with his words. He helped me build my confidence. 

"So how are you feeling today?" Richard asks as he takes a long drag of his cigarette. We're sitting in front of each other, cross-legged on the hard ground. 

"Fine, I guess." 

"You guess?" He smiles. 

"No, I'm fine. I am." I manage a real smile and take a drag of my own cigarette. 

"I want to know something." He says but he's looking up at the sky. The last light of the day is shining on us, a pretty mixture of orange and blue. 

"What?"

"Why me? Why do you want me here with you every day?" Richard asks. He's looking at me now. 

"I like the 'you' in my head. I identify with him. Even with the real you. I mean I don't really know anything that personal about you, but it's just that... You made me love me. You made me accept myself as I am. Completely accept and love myself." I say and sip on my bottle of water. "You also made me love your country, I used to look at it as a jumping stage. Then I thought that it might be the destination I've always looked for. A home, my home." 

He nods and smiles. "I left it when I was your age. Exactly your age."

"You ran away from your east, I need to run away from mine. I can't bear this place anymore. It's strangling me. It's suffocating me. Just like your East was doing to you." I throw my cigarette butt out and light another one. "And the city I'm going to live in, is near where you grew up and also near where you live now. So it's kind of exciting." I smile. 

"So what? You're hoping to run into me on a nice afternoon during a weekend when you're visiting Berlin?" He laughs softly. 

"Maybe, why not?" I grin. 

"If you see me one day, would you tell me about our little encounters in your head?" He asks. He's serious now. 

"Definitely not. You'd just think I'm crazy and obsessed." I chuckle shyly, not really looking at him.

"Why do you like me so much? I mean it can't be physical or sexual since you're a lesbian. So what is it?" 

I laugh before answering. "I want to be like you. You left your East and you become this huge and successful person. You made a change, you know? I wanna do that. I need to do that cuz I'm meant to. I can feel that my life is meant to mean something. Something great. I want to make a change, I want to do everything in my power to help make this messed up twisted world better. I want my name to stay on this earth when I leave it. Just like yours. Plus I owe it to HER."

"Who?" Richard questions. 

"She was the closest thing to being the love of my life. My high school friend. I told you about her. She didn't get a chance to live the life she was meant to, she was destined to be great too, but then... She was gone. She just fell from a ladder and after that our only visits were at the cemetery." My voice cracks when I remember her. I think about her almost every day. "Richard, I have to do this. I need to live for her too, you know? I need to become great for her sake and mine. She deserves the best." Tears fall on my face as I talk about her. I never talk about her. The Richard in my head is the only one I can talk to about her. 

He's staring at my tears. Following their trace down on my cheek. "You will do this. I know you will. You have it in you." He reaches and touches my tears. 

"You know? 30 years ago exactly six years before I was born, my father was sent to your country to get some medical treatment. He's a war hero, there weren't proper resources in here so they sent him there for three months. You know on what day he flew there?" 

"What day?" He's interested. 

"September 19th. That's my birthday. My visa interview is on September 6th this year and if I'm lucky enough, my visa will be issued on my birthday, exactly the day my dad had left for that same land all those years ago. I know most people think it's stupid but I think it's just so meant to be." I hang my head low to avoid his gaze. 

"Fuck most people. If you believe it, then it's all that matters. You know that, right?" He asks eagerly making me look into his eyes. I nod. 

"I'm proud of you, you know?" He says, still holding my chin. 

"You are?" My face lights up. 

"Yes, with all my heart. I'm proud of you like a father would be of his daughter. I believe in you and your goal." He leans in and plants a long kiss to my forehead I close my eyes as more tears run on my face. This time they are tears of joy, absolute joy. When I look up, he's not there and all I see is the almost dark sky. I smile between tears and stand up to go down the stairs.


End file.
